1) How to spend hard earned money with ease every night
Get out of your house. Don’t bother changing from Pyjamas and torn t-shirt. Hail auto and say – ‘Lokhandwala Market’
Reach market and pay auto man 25 rupees. Get into narrow gully between thrift store and fake bags store. Look at both flanking stores and see Chinese mosquito racket. Man displays how to use it by waving it around school of mosquitoes hovering on top of your head. You hear a very satisfying ‘Scrrsssss’. Many Scrrssses in fact and when man lowers racket you see 100 singed pests. Torn with glee you immediately purchase – Rs 100.
Then look at adjoining Fake bags store. Juicy Couture fake looks almost real. On closer examination Couture is spelt Cowtur. But how does it matter. Color composition and finishing is commendable. Bargain from 600 down to 350.
Enter narrow gully and try to avoid export reject store on left but mysterious force will suck you in. See new designs up. Some GAP, some Banana Republic, some Old Navy, even a MANGO tucked in somewhere. It’s irresistible. Cupboard at home keeps falling over because of overflow of clothes that are never worn, but you know you have nothing to wear. Clothes are priced at 150. Oh joy you say and pick up a heap. When final cost hits 2 grand, stand back and wonder. Say to yourself that you will throw away all old clothes and swear that you will never buy another piece of cloth for as long as you live. Secretly know you are safe in oath as piece of cloth and mango dress are two very different things.
Continue walking down gully, keep eyes tightly shut as you pass foreign fake cosmetics store. Anyway last time, Le Prairie fake gave you eczema attack.
Reach destination – Pirated DVD hire store. Enter and be warmly welcomed. They see you here every night. You are family. Pick up one intelligent movie – City of Man (sequel to City of God) and one rubbish time pass movie – My super ex girlfriend, to facilitate sleep (because you have to finish both DVD’s in the night, man will knock on your door at 10 am to retrieve DVD’s). DVD hire for two is 200 rupees.
Get out of DVD store and close eyes tightly and run back down gully and jump into incoming auto and say ‘chaar bangla’. Get out at home – pay 25 rupees.
Total cost : Rs 2700. Look on face when checking bank balance next morning : Priceless
2) How to Cook (very well)(and very fast)
Put on both burners of stove simultaneously.
Take two equal sized 20 cm deep steel barthans filled with water and place them on both burners.
Let water reach boiling point.
Gingerly unpack and place MTR ready to eat Lemon Rice in one bubbling vat and MTR ready to eat Bhindi Masala in other bubbling vat.
Cover vats with steel plates.
Wait five minutes.
If you forget to switch off stove while attending excitable phone call, smell of gas from leaking stove after water has bubbled and put out fire will call for your attention.
Hurry to stove and turn off gas and open windows.
Take out packs from Boiling water and cut open. Take plates that were used to cover boiling water, as they are only two plates you possess and unload food onto it.
Preparation Time : 10 Minutes. Serves : One very lazy person