Tuesday, November 20, 2007

For tis better to have loved and lost?

I can’t believe it, but its official. I am officially a clean slate. No this isn’t some post break up, I’m over him bull shit. This is me standing near my window sill, sipping tea at 3 in the afternoon, looking at the garage mechanics across the road tinkering a car and realizing I have absolutely NO ONE to think about. And for once….just this once…. realising it isn’t such a bad thing afterall.

Later in the evening I went for Saawariya, Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s homoerotic tribute to autism. And as terrible as the film was it did make me miss being in love. In Ranbir’s desperate twirling embrace of Sonam in that immediately sexual way I missed a lover pulling me towards him and grabbing the back of my neck, in Salman Khans passionate embrace (I was cursing him ‘murderer murderer chikari poacher’ under my breath just to be fair) I missed opening my eyes in the morning light to see a lover looking at me sleeping….

Most of all I really miss love in retrospect. The ‘otherness of lovers’ someone had once called it. That moment when he’s left the bedroom to go for a bath and you reach out to his discarded clothes and smell him on them. That moment when you’re bored on a long flight and you flip through your inbox and re-read the loin tingling erotic messages he sent you last night. That moment in time when you have to go out of town and your phones unreachable for a bit and you’re shit busy but in every movement you make, in every word you utter you are so painfully aware of how much you miss him. Even that moment just after you’ve had a series of terrible fights and broken up and you’re with your best girlfriend and she calls him a chooth fucking asshole loser and you feel a sharp twinge of hurt because you still care so much that you can’t stand hearing what she’s saying and you quietly swallow the gulp in your throat cursing her in your head instead!

For the moment I revel in my state of nothingness. I review my past loves now and then. How one made me laugh. How one always made me cry. How one brought out the best sex in me. How frigid I was with one. How one made me comfortable and how another made me palm sweatingly nervous. It’s a stoic recollection. Bereft of hurt, love or lust. It’s funny the order in which I remembered that – Hurt, Love and Lust. It’s funny because I’ve always remembered hurt first, love next and lust the last. And funny because when I‘m with a man I’ve always run after lust first, parading it as love next and blind to the hurt such a conquest can cause me. :)

10 comments:

La vida Loca said...

you write really well. took a quick glance at your archives, too.
:)

Riddhi said...

Hi. I'm a journalist with the Hindustan Times and I'm working on a story about female bloggers. I wanted to do a quick interview with you (found you via eM's blog). My email address is riddhi.s@gmail.com. Please get in touch with me if you're interested. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Hi, been reading you for a bit now. you sound familiar like i know you from somewhere...are you from percept?>?

Coo said...

@la vida loca: thank you!!!!

@anonymous - percept!!! how on earth did you come to that conclusion? but to answer your question, NO! :)

discombobulated said...

what is this people are asking if your from rival companies and all!!

La vida Loca said...

write another post girl

Coo said...

yes yes sorry, joined new job and all, no time only, soonest i will write..

Zaphod said...

"and realizing I have absolutely NO ONE to think about"
That is a nice feeling I will admit but it immediately took me back to when I was 18, I had gone to Dharamshala with a bunch of college friends and missed my 1 somethingth anniversary (year? month? does it matter now?) and the ex had sent along a note with a friend of mine since she knew I'd forget (perhaps it was a one year thing afterall that she knew I'd disappoint). Anyway, I remember calling her from a pay phone in Dharamshala and returning to my seat at the dhaba and remember rather well saying, "it's nice to have someone to call once in a while"
I dunno, Ive enjoyed singledomness and being the one in a long term thing. Either ways, find myself *by* myself regardless!! C'est la vie

Coo said...

@zaphod - aah yes, thats true, which is why ...just this ONE time! :)

Pinochyo said...

Ah, now this kind of makes the 9 months of subcription to the stupid sunday edition (which one never reads in the haze called the morning-after) worth it:-)

Wierdly enough, the style ( or is it the Cynicism?) reminds me of this long-gone internet friend (of the prehistoric days when chatting with strangers on IRC was still cool) called Della Street..She,as all other fun things,evaporated.

Keep writing.