Saturday, June 21, 2008

"I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it now.."

There are days when you realize you have a routine, you have a habit, you have a fucking system. And you have it down pat. You get up, you bathe, you choose your clothes, you know whether it’s the day to wear something risqué and cause a stir or the day to just lie low and wear that old t-shirt and jeans. And you are always right. You eat your cereal, you catch the auto, you time your journey and you’re always always right. You know that if you leave at 10:15 you’ll breeze through the signal and that if you leave at 10:20 you’ll get stuck at it. It’s unfailing. You reach work, you set up your laptop, you mentally run through work and prioritize your day, check for meetings, check if the lawyers come in, you always need her, always, open outlook and download your mails, open Facebook simultaneously, open Gmail in yet another tab, open yahoo in the fourth tab. Check check check check. Time for coffee.

Come back and see 10 friendship requests. You barely know 3 of them. You never click ignore. You simply do. You like seeing the words ’10 friendship requests’ on your home page. You feel wanted. You’re somehow always automatically signed into facebook chat. You have 15 friends online. Some you haven’t spoken to in years and haven’t even exchanged pleasantries with when they first sent you a friendship request. You just accepted the request and showed you were alive and well by an acceptance click. You have granted someone you met randomly at a club or summer camp or sat next to you in 3rd grade access to who you are now, what you look like now, who your friends are now, where you work, what your horoscope says, even who threw poo at you.

And then someone you knew briefly says Hi on chat and since you’re just about bored enough to be curious about his life you say hi back. Basic info is exchanged. You say you have to run and say bye. You even end the bye sentence with an X. The X that says take care, see you soon, kiss kiss and please stop typing anymore all at once. And if that person gets the hint, it stops right there. End. Period. Finito. Fin. And you go back to your routine, your schedule, your habit, your fucking system that you have down pat. That you think nothing can unsettle. That you think will never experience any upheaval, because lets face it, there’s simply no emotional cord that binds you to it. Your hormones are finally in check (because the meds are finally working), you are never waiting for the phone to ring, you are never waiting for a special message. Infact, you have simply stopped waiting. You know you are a clean slate. There is nothing, nothing from your past that can unsettle you.

Until it does.

Until after the X, someone decides to say “By the way I bumped into XYZ the other day and he was asking about you” .

Ay there’s the rub. There’s the invisible umbilical. There’s no easy way to get over the X. Even when it’s at the end of a sentence. Even when its continents and 2 years away. Even when it’s just enquiring about you in a matter of fact way. Because suddenly you are no longer here at office in front of your laptop. You are standing at the airport watching him walk away as the tears don’t stream down your face.


mistercrowley said...

Sigh. All too bloody familiar, this. Only I don't have to wait for the lawyer to come in..for obvious reasons, heh.

La vida Loca said...

a curse, a pox on the guy that broke ur heart :(

gaurav said...

first time on ur blog..FYG!

El said...

well written to say the least, and has a lot of ~feeling~ even though it's trying not to..

mistercrowley said...

By the way, this header of yours. Looks familiar. Is it from either of Sandman/Lost Girls/Promethea?

Anonymous said...

nobody broke her heart, she likes it this way, she likes to wallow in her bollywood misery, masochism it is. also an afterthought from chungking express, if those tears dont stream down, try jogging, you sweat a lot.

Coo said...

@ crowley - umm google images!

@ la vida loca - x

@Gaurav - what is FYG? oh like FYI!! I see I see..

@ el - yes it creeps in :(

@ anon - are you my first troll? yes you are!! yay. sadly it seems like u are someone who knows me. well you win some you lose some. sigh.

Nowhere man said...

Well well what do we have here?
A Tam brahm from bangalore currently in mumbai writing like a character out of a Woody Allen movie ( his old ones ) setting to the bollywood context in a Samanthaesque tone :)

To say you write well is a cliche but what isn't is you had me intrigued. Went through your archives in one sitting and oh well you earned yourself an admirer.

Anonymous said...

Bling...We like our melancholy, dont we?

I still ask these common friends about this long-gone, much-married Ex. One can only hope she feels the same way when they tell her about it...:-P

( Last heard, her kind was named R..., so i guess she IS getting the messages...:-P)

Where's my skiiiin?

Anonymous said...

Anon alias chungking - yes well someone had to negate all the haloed feelgoodness that you have going here, i dont know you, but i wish i did, i could even stalk you and shake off the everyday drudgery, but i dont know where to start, not even on facebook, give me a lead, lets make this worth your while.
Cop 223.

Coo said...

@nowhere man - thats quite the summation. i like.

@munduless blackberry - what you didnt die ah? raj uncal sent life saving soupie?

Your Akka said...

I told you to blog something of sunnier disposition no?

Summa all these psycho-stalker-wannabe-wong kar wai types are doing timepass here. Shoo shoo!! Leave my thangai alone, da dai!!

Back to the post, please explain what Queen's song has to do with Xs and Ys and Zs? I'm really not understanding. You want to go taa taa somewhere on a cycle ah? But otherwise, wonderfully visualised post... as always :)

OK gotta go. Your nephew calls.

Anonymous said...

never let family(extended or otherwise) visit your blog, coz
1. they have no sense of irony
2. they like people who leave faux saccharine msgs.
3. they bring along with them the horror of the middle class, they eat at mcdonalds, and buy burgers for Rs.99 only to avail the offers printed on the tray papers, 2 free tickets to hongkong *notice subtle references to chungking*
4. they are paranoid.
and la merde, u have acne??

coo's akka said...

no ma dear. never been acne'd.
nor ironied.

Coo said...

I dont know about you but Im quite enjoying all this. Round 2 please.

Anonymous said...

well im just trying to make u feel 'wanted' coo, this is more tangible than a passive fb friend request, and i would hate to adorn your fb page, waiting for closure, i dont want to feel like an airport departure terminal.

gaurav said...

FYG = Fuck you're gud..FYI :)

mistercrowley said...

Isn't it irritating when 'trolls' stop being trolls?

riddhi said...

please please get off accutane. it sucks and sent me into a depressive hell.

Anonymous said...

isnt it irritating when blog regulars feel threatened/obliged and turn into watchdogs? dont play for the gallery, be the piece.

Coo said...

Oh ho what is this dhamaal dhimeel (fisticuffs) happening here.

@riddhi - yep. stopped it after five days because i couldnt sleep. Palpitations, heart burn, dry eyes, nightblindness, depression egad! not worth it at all!

The Green Elephant said...

i like FYG. Agree.